Those Advice from A Parent Which Helped Us as a First-Time Parent

"I believe I was just just surviving for twelve months."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of being a father.

But the truth rapidly became "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Severe health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her main carer while also caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I handled all the nights, every change… every walk. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

Following 11 months he became exhausted. It was a chat with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The simple phrases "You're not in a healthy space. You need support. In what way can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, seek support and start recovering.

His experience is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although society is now better used to discussing the pressure on moms and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles new fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan believes his struggles are part of a larger failure to talk between men, who continue to internalise negative ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and doesn't fall every time."

"It's not a show of weakness to request help. I was too slow to do that quick enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can think they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - most notably in front of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the chance to request a break - going on a couple of days overseas, separate from the home environment, to see things clearly.

He realised he needed to make a change to consider his and his partner's feelings alongside the day-to-day duties of looking after a infant.

When he was honest with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she needed" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and make sense of his parenting choices.

The concept of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen did not have reliable male parenting. Despite having an "amazing" connection with his dad, profound trauma caused his father had difficulty managing and was "in and out" of his life, making difficult their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "poor choices" when in his youth to alter how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the pain.

"You find your way to behaviours that aren't helpful," he says. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Tips for Coping as a New Dad

• Share with someone - if you feel under pressure, speak to a family member, your other half or a professional what you're going through. This can to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - make time for the things that allowed you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. Examples include playing sport, seeing friends or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, physical activity and when you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is coping.
• Spend time with other new dads - hearing about their journeys, the difficult parts, as well as the positive moments, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can support your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's committed not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the stability and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions constructively.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men because they acknowledged their pain, altered how they communicate, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I expressed that in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I said, sometimes I think my job is to instruct and tell you on life, but actually, it's a exchange. I am understanding just as much as you are in this journey."